Dumped the Hardbody

Well I have been quiet for good reason. I have been giving Hardbody time to decide what kind of boyfriend he wanted to be. Friday night was the end. It's just too hard to be in a relationship with him. It's not fun.

Here's the setup - he emails me on Wednesday and asks if I would like to do a movie at my place. I agree. Thursday night he emails me as asks if he can sleep over Friday night because he has an early morning meeting near my place. My first reaction is - WTF? So I proceed to try to find out why he believes he's going to be at my place so late that he would have to stay the night. Personally, I don't care. The sofa (which Neil so eloquently wrote about at mundane-mundane) is quite comfortable and adequate for any friend for a night. So first I ask if he's still has his cold and he says no (thinking maybe he wants a little TLC - ok that's not it). I then tell him his cold is gone because he gave it to me (thinking maybe he will offer a little pampering to me) so I ask him who's coming over Friday night - friend Hardbody or boyfriend Hardbody because I sensed I wasn't going to be at my best and I wanted to know what to expect from the guy that showed up. He responds: Your friend who'd like to talk out the couple pending between us. So I respond: Well as a friend you are more than welcome to stay but on the sofa. As a boyfriend, better, upgraded accomodations are available. His response then annoyed me: Very funny (_e=mc2_); a woman's gotta protect herself. (For those that don't get the emoticon emails the e=mc2 bit translates to "smartass"). I was not amused and didn't respond.

He then switches gears on me and writes: Hugs only, tomorrow. I'll help you get rid of it as best I can. So I asked what time he planned on coming over and tell him I have taken out some chicken and we can fix dinner before the movie. He says that sounds good and please pick up the movie. What? He asked me to pick up the movie. Did I read that correctly? Wasn't he the one that suggested movie night at my condo? Why was I expected to pick up the movie? Did I misunderstand something in the invite? So I write: Why am I getting the movies? Blockbuster is not convenient to anywhere I drive. Besides this was your suggestion. I just offered to make dinner. You ready for this, his response: I was not aware; I'll p/u the movies. Second reaction - WTF!

Yes, fans - it gets better. Friday around 1:30pm I receive the following email: Two Roads, looking forward to an evening with u tonite. If u want to share wine, please p/u a bottle @ target on your way home. Do I need to bring a bag of veggies to make w/dinner tonite? I am not kidding you guys - this is verbatim how this man writes. Again, I ask - why am I now being "reminded" to pick up wine if I want to share it? Was he being thoughtful for the suggestion? Was he trying to tell me he would like some wine with dinner and that I should provide that too? I have no idea. I responded with: I have everything if you drink red wine. Let me know if red is ok.

Now, how many of you pick out your wine at Target? Not me. I didn't even know Target had a wine section. I don't buy my groceries at Target much less wine so this would be a new experience for me. However, when I do buy my wine, I get it either from Kroger, Publix, Whole Foods or the liquor store. So for those who get their wine at Target I sincerely apologize for being ignorant about making such purhases. What really got me was the manner in which the suggestion was made. "If you want to share wine, please p/u a bottle". What if I didn't want to share the bottle of wine would I still have to pick it up? Did I have to get the wine from Target? What if I wanted just a glass of wine, would that have been okay? Again, the manner of his communication with me leaves me confused.

When he finally arrived - late. I didn't say a word. He agreed to meet at my condo at 6pm on a Friday night. The worst traffic night of the week. For someone who claims they are so considerate and street smart they would know that extra travel time would be involved especially since they were picking up the movie before coming to my condo so that they would arrive within 10 or 15 minutes of the 6pm time frame. 45 minutes late. I repeat, I didn't say a word. I had the salad made, the veggies ready for the microwave, the chicken marinating and the wine open and breathing.

So I thought I would start the evening off with - which guy has shown up - the friend or the boyfriend. He asked if I really wanted to get into the conversation before dinner. I said it didn't bother me. He proceeded to tell me all the things he likes about me and then the one thing he doesn't like about me - I'm not a hardbody - nor do I aspire to be one. He asked if that was wrong for him to think that way? I said no, it wasn't wrong, if that is what he truly needed then it was not for me to say it was wrong. I told him that I didn't think it was realistic as he had yet to find any woman (other than me) that had as many of the other qualities that he needed too. I told him that while my physical attraction preference was to date men that are 6'1" or taller with brown hair I did not find him unattractive because he is 5'9" with greying black hair. When I find someone unattractive it has more to do with their character, morals, ethics or intelligence and not so much their physical attributes. True, I couldn't date someone who is morbidly obese - I'm human not a saint. But I could and am friends with several people who are very overweight much as I am friends with blacks, hispanics, catholics, jews, mormons, younger people, older people, tall people, short people, and thin people. So I could understand that if he didn't want to date me because I didn't meet his physical attribute test it just didn't matter any more. I didn't care. He's not getting any younger and to have such strict expectations on someone he was only setting himself up for a life of being alone. I posed the scenario that he would find that hardbody woman and she would end up having an ex-husband and three kids - then what was he going to do? Well, naturally while he would finally be physically attracted to that person he didn't like the idea of the ex and kids. I told him that there was always going to be something like that. I suggested he needed to grow up. I told him that he and I were just not in the same place. I have a more realistic expectation of what a man should be for me. And if he happens to have an ex-wife, kids and maybe even grandkids I had to be prepared.

What I truly need is someone who wants me in their life. Someone who is intelligent, caring, compassionate, passionate, funny, and loving. Someone who has common sense, a desire to explore together - explore by expanding our knowledge and life experiences - someone who brings calm to my life as I do to their life. Someone who knows how to woo and court a woman. Someone who know how to communicate. If they happen to be 5'9" and are carrying an extra 5-10lbs, I will still be able to love them.

He sat on one end of the sofa. I sat on the other end. We watched the movie and when it was over, he went home. BFNM just so happen to call as Hardbody was leaving. BFNM lifted my spirits.

It's Sunday - has Hardbody even called or sent an email to inquire how I am feeling? No.

Decision affirmed: Hardbody is history. For good. No more chances. He is just too immature and selfish.

How much time?

I had a date with HB (hardbody). First the acronym - it's not the best I could come up with but it is the most descriptive. So anyway, I am still trying to work things out in my head. It takes several emails/conversations back and forth to even coordinate an evening out. The issue this week was I am back at the big house - dog/cat/housesitting and I can't leave before I have fed and walked the dog at 6:30pm. We had met for dinner earlier in the week and shared a meal. Now when I say share I mean he bought one dish and we split it. I was very put off by this. I can understand someone being careful with their money (as I was during my unemployment) but I never invited someone out to eat and then asked them to split a meal. So I wasn't exactly looking forward to a Saturday night date. I had rehearsed over and over in my head how I was going to broach the subject of not dating but just continue on a friendly basis. Best laid plans - do they ever work? I seem to think it's a figment of our imagination.

I was prepared this time for dinner. I had a late afternoon lunch so that I wouldn't leave dinner hungry. We got to the restaurant and was seated immediately. We were having sushi. I had been looking forward to this meal all week and knew exactly what I wanted. It took me about 2 minutes to look over the menu. So when the waiter came, HB told me to go ahead and order and then he sent the waiter away without himself ordering. I'm thinking what's going on. Is he tabulating the cost of the meal trying to decide how much he can order? The waiter came back and he still wasn't ready to order. I was starting the get embarrassed. I finally told him he had to decide. Halfway through the meal, I decided to talk about being friends. I know you guys hate these conversations but I was not prepared for what HB had to say in return.

He is going to give me time and space I need to gain back trusting him. He had done nothing but think about what he wants in his life and who he wants in my life and he believes with all his heart that I am that person. So he will continue to date me and if he does anything that I feel uncomfortable with (pursuing me faster than I am ready) then all I have to do is say so and he will take it down a notch. We were done with dinner by 9:30pm but still had things to talk about so we found a Starbucks to people watch and talk. We kept the kisses - lukewarm. The hot ones just get too freaking hot! We are not doing Valentine's day but we are going to have dinner again on Thursday night. (I'm not sharing this time - even if I have to pay for my own meal!)

I was tempted

Well, the ex & I had a date on Saturday night. It took a few emails back and forth to get the plans together but we succeeded. Pet peeve from the first time around - he would always show up late for dates. He showed up on time Saturday. I just decided to be me and gave him a hug and a peck greeting. We were both kind of nervous so we stood for most of the time we were at the condo. We headed off to Ikea to do a little window shopping. While there was nothing there in particular that I needed to buy, the place is so huge it gave us an opportunity to stroll and "play" with the furniture and be flirty. When things were good with us we always had a lot of fun doing the mundane. We began to get a little more cozy with each other - holding hands and him giving me little unexpected hugs. At this point I was ready for a kiss but I restrained myself. What can I say, I have always been attracted to him.

After Ikea, we were off to try out a new restaurant - Fresh2Order. Very interesting concept. Very yummy food. I would definitely go back. We were both feeling a little less tense. I stepped away to go to the ladies room and fired off two IMs to let my friends know I was having a pleasant evening. It was one of the few times I really felt like I was special with the ex. We continued to talk about some of the issues that would drive each other away. My emotions were definitely conflicted.

Next stop was a comedy club. Not too raunchy, decent humor. Here's where I began to enjoy myself. I couldn't help but want to lean in close, hold hands or have the ex put his arm around me and bring me close to him. Struck up a conversation with a couple sitting out our table. And then it was time to take me home. Oh dear. What to do now. The inside of my condo is trouble. My sofa is trouble. Makeout session ensued. Just like the very first time we met. Kisses of fire. He left at 1am. All clothes remained on. I was definitely tempted. My emotions just as much conflicted as at the beginning of th evening. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Really, exactly what do I have to say?

Background: I have broken off with this man twice because he told me he didn't see any future with me. He tells me there is no fire, I ate the wrong foods, he doesn't like my family, he doesn't like my friends, I'm not girly-girly enough for him, my shoes aren't strappy enough, my clothes are just average. Honestly, who says all this shit to a woman? Well he does.

So the last time I broke things off I told him he needed to seek professional help. He thought I was being loving. GEEZ!

Anyway, it was Yom Kippur yesterday and I suppose he was feeling guilty (as he was suppose to be asking for forgiveness of his sins) and he calls me. God must have been looking after me because I wasn't home so he left a message. He wished me a happy new year, apologized for the way he walked away for the second time and wanted me to show up at temple to go to services with him. Perhaps he had a brain fart - I only do temple with those I love and because they need me there for them; otherwise I practice my religion how I see fit.

So I send him the following email:

R, I received your phone message this afternoon. I hope you have a healthy, happy new year. I appreciate the apology.

In regards to getting together, I believe I was pretty clear in my last email correspondence to you about the conditions under which I would meet you again – namely after you have talked with a therapist and then I would meet with you and your therapist or you could meet with me and my therapist. You chose at that time not to see the significance in what counseling could provide as far as reconciling feelings. I chose a different path and do not care to rehash any of those feelings.

I do not understand why you continue to reconcile your feelings for me. You seem to have made your feelings for me pretty clear – I am not the woman for you. I really feel that speaking with a therapist on why you continue to have feelings for me would be of great benefit to you. Until such time, I must decline any contact with you.

All the best to you,

TR

So here is his response (totally unedited - and yes he writes in incomplete sentences and thoughts. For my readers you probably know my writing style is very complete so his correspondance is quite disconcerting.):

You're welcome, fair enough. (He doesn't even begin the reply using my name. WTF?)


For the record, why not agree to a therapist, 'cause they help you understand your state of mind & what to do with it. (Exactly what I said. You need to understand your mind.)


Two mature, conscientious adults don't need a third party therapist to moderate the discussion of their feelings for each other & find a sensible solution. (Yes they do need a therapist Sherlock when two people are not communicating with each other.)


Why did I choose to leave you? I was having a problem with the return of your weight (I gained 10 pounds because I was absolutely too skinny and I couldn't continue to maintain that kind of lifestyle. I have now leveled out at a weight that I can live with and maintain.); it turned me off. (Again, who says this shit?) I liked how slim/muscular you were in August 2004. (No you didn't because back then I had no curves and wasn't girly-girly enough for you.)


Why do I keep reconciling my feelings for you every so often?? (I have no f*cking clue! Exactly why you need therapy.)


A culutural connection between us, genuine love from you to me, and honest intimacy (whether sharing a meal, holding hands down the street, or more) is a very powerful thing to me. (Translation - " I haven't been laid in awhile. Want to be my friend with benefits?" )


Intelligence, independence and seasoned maturity are attractive to me.
If you decide to talk to me, I'm home 'til 6pm. E is out today. (E is the hateful sister. She thinks I keep running back to her brother when in reality he keeps running back to me. Yes, he lives with his sister but keeps threatening to move out. Whatever.)


Your turn to comment... R. (Is this a blog now?)

So I fowarded this email to my best friend with a comment: This guy is like a leech. I can't get rid of him. My best friend responded: Pour salt on him. Did I mention that I love my best friend?

I'm taking donations of salt.