The Story of BFNM - Part 10

It was at this point that I told BFNM that if he really wanted a better opinion from me I needed to meet DDG. BFNM and I needed to get together anyway since I needed to complete his tax return so what better excuse did I need to go to Florida. Planning the trip proved to be another test of patience; however, we were able to select the first weekend in October that had the least disruption to everyone’s schedule. The more BFNM tried to exert some independence the more DDG tried to exert her presence.

BFNM scheduled a trip to Boston for business and DDG wanted to go too. BFNM emphasized there would not be any time during the day to spend together and there would not be any time to spend together at night because the plan was for business meetings held from morning through dinner. He also tried to schedule business functions with some networking friends. He finally told her he had too much to accomplish and it would be easier if he did not have to worry about taking care of her too while conducting business. He told her it was not the time and the place to mix business with pleasure. She acquiesced.

When BFNM and I spoke while he was in Boston, he mentioned that he just could not take living in the same house anymore with her. His needs for intellectual conversation, social activities and business concerns all were backseat priorities to DDG’s needs. He said when he would engage DDG in conversation that did not involve band practice or high school activities the conversation fell short of anything meaningful. Anytime he would bring up things he would like to do for his career, DDG idea of being helpful was to offer money, become an equal business partner, and then have BFNM teach her the business. BFNM now had been dating for 9 months and living together for 4 of those 9 months and had determined that if he was going to be a business partner with DDG she would not be a silent partner and she was not a sophisticated business savvy person. Basically, to be a business partner with DDG would involve too much time away from the business in order to “teach” her the business and would take away from running the business. He made a decision that upon his return to Florida he needed to take a place of his own and start sorting out his long-term feelings concerning DDG.

It was not easy broaching the subject with DDG regarding moving out. He knew she would not take it well and he was correct on that point. He put together a list of items that concerned him and his reasons for wanting to create some space in order to get his thoughts together. Her concerns revolved on how all this would look to the neighbors, her son and her friends. What would she tell them? Her offer to create space within the house was to move some of BFNM’s furniture that she was using at one of her rentals into the study portion of the bedroom. She thought that maybe if he had some of his own belongings that would be sufficient space. Moving BFNM’s belongings without asking him first only made him more adamant about his decision to move out. You see the deal was DDG had full use of BFNM’s furniture in a rental unit as long as all items stayed intact and any movement discussed so that BFNM would not lose track of his belongings. DDG moved the furniture because she believed that would keep BFNM in her house. While the gesture appeared nice, the gesture was only for the benefit of DDG getting what she wanted – holding on to a relationship that was slowly slipping from her grasps. I did not find out until my visit that this was not the first time DDG had done something without consulting BFNM and put him in the awkward position of deciding whether he should go along or decline. BFNM has much in common with many people who dislike hurting another person’s feelings when it appears they are being so nice. I tried to explain to him that when something nice makes you uncomfortable then trust your gut and try to find out why you feel this way. Sometimes taking a step back and looking objectively at something when your gut tells you will provide some insight into why you have these uncomfortable feelings. You can then make your decision with a clearer head.

Meantime, when he moved out so close to the time for me to come and visit, I became uncomfortable. I told him that I thought that DDG would think he was moving because he and I were becoming involved. I also told him I thought DDG would come up with something to either not be around or to cause me to cancel the trip because she was going to need him by her side. I do not relish winning but I was correct on the second point. Four days before I arrived, I received a call from BFNM confirming my suspicions about DDG.

Her attempt to get me to cancel my trip involved telling BFNM that DDG’s father was very ill. Her father lives in California. She explained that this might be the last chance she would have to see him alive and therefore might need to make a trip to California and wanted him to come with her. He explained that while he felt bad for her and told her to go ahead and make the trip to see her father; he could not leave because of his own personal family crisis and me coming to town to finish his taxes. He was sure I would understand if she was not there. Naturally, we could meet another time. DDG had pulled this “it may be the end now” before and nothing ever came of it. While her father is very ill, from outside appearances it is not a day-to-day situation.

When I arrived in Florida, my first inquiry was as to the condition of DDG’s father. According to BFNM, once he told her he could not make the trip at this time there was not another mention of her father’s condition or the need to go to California right away. In fact, the trip to California to see her father turned into a need to get a car to California for another relative. In addition, she and her sister were going to drive the car to California to deliver it. When BFNM suggested sending the car out by train in order that she could spend more time with her father, she totally rejected that idea in favor of how much “fun” it would be for her and her sister to see the USA. Her actions were beginning to put a bad taste in my mouth. She even tried to get her son to go along on the “road trip” using the “it’s the last time you may see your grandfather” as the ploy and he turned her down because he didn’t want to spend 6 days in a car to get to California.