The Story of BFNM - Part 9

Apparently, things were wonky in Naples and the living together situation without the benefit of dating in the same city was having an impact on BFNM freedom of movement. You see, DDG and BFNM had established their “relationship” while they lived in two different cities. When he asked me what I thought about long-distant relationships I offered these comments: you are always on your best behavior when you get together; you are not able to “see” the day to day stresses of home and work; if you ever are in the same city, you should live separately to see if the “romance” of the long distant rendezvous was just that a long distant rendezvous romance or to see if there is something of substance to the relationship. I also said that for a small percentage of couples, distance will not have an impact on their relationship and it was highly possible two people could go from living in two separate cities to living together without any problems.

BFNM had already raised his children so it had been a long time since he had to contend with things such as sleepovers, loud music, band practice, football games, and anything else 16 year old boys are prone to doing (not know where any piece of their clothing is, not have pocket money, not take showers/bath for a couple of weeks, not know how to make lunch or cook a frozen pizza or not be able to find the laundry room). On top of that, DDG lived a very “scheduled” life. By scheduled I mean if BFNM did not mention beforehand he wanted something done that day then it would go on the schedule at the next available time. During the week, DDG typically cooked dinner for the three, BFNM did the dishes and then it was time to prepare for bed because lights out was at 10pm. Sundays were even worse because that was laundry day. Before lights out at 10pm, DDG had to wash, fold, hang and put away all laundry.

Compromise is apart of all relationships. DDG only considered compromises that accomplished her needs first. (I’m quite sure that doesn’t fit the definition of compromise but then again DDG is an English major who is notorious for making up her own words along with her own definitions.) Therefore, when it came to down time for BFNM, he could only find peace and quiet in the bedroom after all the accomplishment of all the daily “chores.” In the meantime, BFNM decided he wanted to get his broker’s license and took a speed course that entailed exams at the end of each week of the two-week course. DDG had agendas and she expected that BFNM to accompany her with everything she did. Therefore, in her mind even if BFNM needed to study for his exam he would have to do his studying after they accomplished all of her tasks.

It was at this time that BFNM decided he needed to ask his sister and brother in law for advice and for their opinion. His feelings for DDG were not growing more romantic as you would expect after living with someone for three months. He consulted with his psychologist friend too. He had not lived day to day with anyone in over 7 years perhaps his expectations were misplaced. Was he selfish? Should he be grateful that he did not have to find a place to live on his return to Naples? Was there a way to find an equitable solution and make it a win-win? Was he taking advantage of the “free” living arrangements? Was there is an expectation to “help” whenever called upon? How could he find time for himself and the relationship? Was there a chance that the romantic feelings would return? What was causing his feelings to be more platonic than romantic? Was it the right thing to do by moving in with a child in the house? Was this relationship less complicated or more complicated? The conversation with his brother in law was interesting to say the least. Because after a night of hearing all that his brother in law had to say about the relationship, I received a call the next day at lunch. BFNM wanted my opinion.

Okay, here was my chance. BFNM told me all that his brother in law had said. The important part of their conversation revolved around the decision to move into a house occupied with a child. It did not matter that the child was 16 years old; the point was that 16 year old children do not make decisions for their parents. His brother in law gave him an earful about adult responsibilities and about how he saw substantial differences between BFNM and DDG. BFNM finally asked me – what did I think about his brother in law’s comments regarding the living arrangements? I suppose I dropped a bomb when I told BFNM that I agreed with this brother in law.

There were some dynamics going on in support of my position. One, I thought that DDG had taken advantage of an emotional low point in BFNM’s life. The original offer was that BFNM was to live in a separate place and they were to “date” in order to confirm their feelings. However, two days after BFNM arrived back in town DDG thought since they were so sure of their feelings it would just be easier to move in together. Her son would get use to the idea and she wanted them to be able to bond. She claimed there were no strings attached to the offer, but we all know there are always “unspoken” strings attached to every offer. BFNM had not spent enough time with DDG to know of her quirky and sometimes irritating habits. Even worse, BFNM didn't know of the son's strange habits for which BFNM realized he would not be able to make any comment. Two, some of his uncertainty about the relationship that BFNM had indicated to me prior to moving in had not changed. His feelings in regards to DDG basically were neutral even though they did seem to have nice times together. Third, if DDG truly believed that there was a rock solid relationship, then what exactly was the rush to move in together with BFNM especially since her son had never spent any time with BFNM prior to him moving in the same residence? Last, finding himself emotionally strained by other dynamics going on within his own family, BFNM was having a hard time focusing on his own needs, wants and desires.