Wednesday, November 08, 2006

The Story of BFNM - Part 6

Now for some people you might think that disagreement/opinion of how BFNM spent his weekend should have put some distance between the two of us. Nope, not at all. In a way, it actually brought us closer. I could not say it but I felt DDG was selfish. She got him to go to the Cape under the guise of a quiet, relaxing weekend and switched to oh, woe is me I have to get this cottage cleaned for the summer season and I cannot do it all by myself. Gee whiz, have you ever heard of hiring a cleaning service? BFNM did not have much of a choice; he was already there and he was her ride back to the airport on Sunday.

He tried to explain how he made the best of the situation but his explanation just did not sit right with me. However, at this point I had to keep my opinions to myself. I profusely apologized and said that I did not want my opinion to alter the way he felt he spent the weekend with DDG. I went from a minor waterfall to laughing and joking as we always do within a manner of 30 minutes. On the walk back to the condominium, BFNM pretended he had too much to drink and kept bumping into the traffic signs. I kept pulling him out of the way but never in time. He finally showed me how he was hitting the signs with his hand to make me think he had been bumping his head against the signs. Again, we laughed as we always do. When we got back to the condominium, he gave me a big hug and said, “I love you.”

Now you should know something here. When I arrived in New Hampshire the second time, I had already decided I wanted to talk about our friendship and feelings. I knew I would have his undivided attention in the car going to and from work each day. Therefore, the first night on our drive back to the condominium, I explained to him how I had feelings for him that were more than just a casual friend was. I had already been calling him a best friend and he was calling me his best friend too. I told him how sometimes when we spoke that just saying good night or talk to you tomorrow seemed so hollow. The generic goodbye/goodnight just did not seem enough given to how close we seem to be.

I explained that with my closest of friends I would typically end phone conversations with I love you or I miss you. I wanted to be able to do that with him but I did not want him to think of I love you in a romantic sense. I just wanted him to know that there were stronger feelings involved. I also told him that I did not expect him to say it back to me. I just needed his okay for me to be able to tell him when I felt that way. I am not the type of person that has to say I love you after every phone call or interaction nor do I have to hear it after every phone call or interaction. I tend to say I love you when there are a strong emotional conversation between us or for that matter any of my friends.

I said, “I love you, too” released the hug, walked to my bedroom, closed the door and cried myself to sleep. I felt I had almost lost my very best friend by opening my mouth, inserting my foot shoved so far down that it came out my asshole. I promised myself no more opinions on what he was or was not doing with DDG unless he specifically asked me.


Karitown said...

Sometimes you have to take a chance and just put yourself out there like you did. Holding your feelings in is so bad for you.

Two Roads said...

Yes holding feelings in is not good. I read somewhere that if what you have to say does not offer any additional information or advice then you might want to consider saying it. My opinion was hurtful and didn't offer any advice so it should have never been said. Big lesson learned.

Ramblin Rose said...

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!! I'm hoping you get the guy.....


Two Roads said...

RR - well I think you know he is my best friend.